The pterodactyl retirement plan

A few mornings ago, I was sitting on the front porch with Boyfriend, enjoying some nice cancer sticks (mmmm…cancer…yum—just kidding I know it’s naughty to smoke).

I was looking up at this huge cluster of Evergreens and noticed some big ass branches moving around. It wasn’t the wind, so the wheels in my brain started turning.

Alice: What would you do if a huge pterodactyl came right out the those (pointing up at the Evergreens) and headed straight for us?

Boyfriend: I’d catch it and sell it.

Alice: What?

Boyfriend: I’d try to knock it out, probably using it’s tail. Then I would grab the hose and bind it so that it couldn’t get away while I grab the duct tape—to bind it’s wings.

Alice: Then you would sell it?

Boyfriend: Of course, but first I would have to alert the local news stations to get some publicity, then everybody will know where to get a pterodactyl.

Alice: I was thinking more along the lines of running inside.

Boyfriend: Hell no! I’d catch that thing and get paid.

Alice: Did you just come up with all this?

Boyfriend: Not really.

Alice: You’ve thought about this before, haven’t you? You already have a plan and everything.

Boyfriend: Of course, I hear the noises—there’s something out there and I’m pretty sure it’s a pterodactyl.


After all that, I asked what he was planning to do with the money. He just wanted it to fix up the house and yard. Are you serious?

If I had a fucking pterodactyl, I’d make bank. Nobody else would have one, that shit doesn’t just happen. At least a million, I’m sure…but probably more once they get bidding. Or with my luck, somebody would steal it from us. Where’s my gun?

I got all entranced with what I could do with that money. I suggested we pay off our house and rent it out, increase our dividend stocks, save and travel indefinitely.

Boyfriend is under the impression that we would need to invest hundreds of millions—yeah, you read that right—to earn enough dividends each month. I can’t make this shit up. I just cracked up, there were some tears.

I probably spent an hour or two trying to plan out the perfect early retirement scenario from catching this pterodactyl. Finally, I came back to the “real world” instead of my imaginary world that I mostly live in and realized that I just wasted all that time.

There isn’t going to be a pterodactyl in the tree, we’re not going to catch it and we’re not going to get rich from it. Sometimes it’s fun to pretend, really I do it all the time.

After the initial reality blow, I also realized that we have next to nothing put away for retirement. We don’t have any plans either.

What little money we do have saved for retirement would probably only last us 6-9 months—IF we were slumming it.

I don’t want to slum it.

I don’t want to work at McDonald’s when I’m old.

I don’t want to worry about running out of money!

It would appear that I need to get my shit together and make a plan and get going. We don’t exactly have a lot of excess cash to put away and I don’t want to save so much that we don’t get to enjoy life along the way. Must. Find. Balance.

*I kinda liked this video, so you should probably watch it. Go ahead, it requires absolutely ZERO brain cells. Why aren’t you watching it yet?


Don’t plan on catching a pterodactyl to fund your retirement. Get your shit together NOW and make a plan or you’re going to be fucked later on.

Do you have some sort of retirement plan? Are you waiting on a pterodactyl? Anybody actually looking forward to working at McDonald’s in their 60’s or 70’s?


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The pterodactyl retirement plan — 7 Comments

  1. First time to your site and I must say you are hilarious. I like the way your BF thinks. Get it and sell it but I am with you. No one else has it and everyone would want it 1-5 miliion easily and it would be alive. Get on that plan no one wants to work at Mickey D’s when they are old and no slumming it.

  2. I’d be worried about the government claiming ownership of the pterodactyl. I’d make sure I get a youtube video out right away to make sure that there is no doubting who got it fair and square. Also you should find any eggs. You don’t want a generation of pterodactyls trying to avenge the capture of their mother.

    • You are so right, Michael. The government would totally fuck this up for us. They’re always up to something. lol

      I didn’t even think about the eggs, good call.

  3. Holy cow. Easily the best retirement planning advice I’ve read this week. Actually, probably this year. That was so ridiculous. I loved it!
    And I am definitely going to try to remember to not count on catching a pterodactyl to fund my retirement – personally, I’m a little freaked out at the prospect of living in a cardboard box under and overpass as my retirement plan.

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